Kath goes to Sri Lanka

I had an interesting time in Sri Lanka when it came to friends.

I have some friends who are 15 (some of my Grade 11s).
I have some friends who are 23-27 (my Cadets).
I have some friends who are 40+ (CCPSD, other teachers etc).
I met very few people between 30 and 40 (one or two of the parents of my students).

So it was interesting which generation I fitted into (I’m 34).

One of the parents of one of my students thought of me as her daughter and said her son thought of me as a mother.
Ranjith calls me sister and his children call me sister.
Some of the Cadets thought of me as an older sister and some CCPSD people thought of me as their younger sister. (CCPSD think of the Cadets as their sons and daughters.)

So it seems I managed to function in several different generations simultaneously. Which is nice. I don’t really think age matters very much. And I think that I managed to get people in Sri Lanka to look at me for who I was rather than how old I was.

Sri Lanka has a culture of respecting elders. Which on the face of it sounds very nice. But the flip side of that is an implicit assumption that people younger than you have to have respect for you. And whether intentional or not that does sometimes lead to an implicit disrespect for people younger than you. I saw this on very, very many occasions.

Fortunately, as a complete outsider to Sri Lankan culture, I can break the rules (knowingly or unknowingly). So I became friends with people of different ages and had relationships based on mutual respect with people of all ages.

And it was very nice!

Lots of people in Sri Lanka carry shopping bags. Very few people carry rucksacks or briefcases.

Most women will carry and handbag. But it’s usually a smallish one with several shopping bags in the other hand.

When on the courses most students (male and female) would carry a pile of books and a pencil case etc with them to class, not in a bag. Sometimes in a shopping bag.

No wonder I looked very strange going everywhere with a rucksack (especially when wearing a sari)!

In Sri Lanka, the family unit is a very strong concept. Marriages last. Divorce rates are very low. Some marriages are arranged (proposal marriages). Some marriages are not (love marriages). But in all cases the purity of both the bride and the groom is quite important.

In the UK and Australia it is common for people to have multiple partners before they get married (usually not at the same time). This certainly isn’t required, but it most definitely is not frowned upon.

There is no stigma per se in a woman or man having a boyfriend or girlfriend, then finding another one if the relationship doesn’t work and so on. This doesn’t necessarily involve having sex with the boyfriend or girlfriend but it doesn’t necessarily preclude it either.

But in Sri Lanka women (and men) seem to be expected to marry the first person they go out with. To have more than one boyfriend/girlfriend (though not extremely rare) seems not to be desirable.

Speaking for myself, I think I prefer the idea of being able to go out with someone before deciding that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. And I think that having the opportunity of going out with different people is very valuable. I think it helps you learn about who you are, how you relate to other people and what sort of a partner you are looking for.

Quite often, while I was in Sri Lanka, the people I was with would speak to each other in Sinhala.

I’m somewhat of two minds about that.

Firstly, why I think it’s not a good idea and why it bugged me a little bit.
It bugged me a little bit because I don’t speak Sinhala. And since we all spoke English it was sometimes a bit annoying that people would speak in Sinhala rather than in English. In some cases I just felt it was rude that I was being excluded. It is also not that great an idea from the English learning point of view. Lots of the people I was talking to were talking to me specifically because they wanted to improve their English. And having a native speaker sitting next to you and talking to each other in Sinhala is a bit of a waste of an opportunity. In my opinion.

And now let me tell you why I didn’t mind.
To be honest, it only bothered me once or twice. For the vast majority of the time it didn’t bother me at all.

One reason is because I know that speaking in a second language can be very exhausting and very tiring. It is much easier for people to speak to each other in Sinhala without thinking than to have to struggle through communicating in English. It also meant that when things were being argued, discussed, organised that all of this could be done much more quickly (and accurately) in Sinhala and then someone could give me the English translation of the summary.

There were also times where it was really nice for me to not have to talk to people in English. While almost all of the people I spent time with had really excellent English, sometimes conversations with them could be very exhausting. I had to adapt my language use to communicate with them (speed, choice of words, vocab, use of idioms, enunciation, etc) and I had to work hard on understanding them sometimes (sometimes they couldn’t find the right word or they made massive grammatical errors, all of which are to be expected with language learners but can be quite hard work for the native speaker).So if I was out for dinner and all the people around me were talking in Sinhala, I could just switch off my brain and relax for a while, while still spending time with my friends.

If this had happened all the time it would have annoyed me. But the people I was with were very good at remembering to make the effort to use English. And I am grateful! And I think they benefited from that effort too.

I’m back!

After one amazing year of sun, coconuts, rice, curry, hilarious buses and dust I’m back to a land of carpet, hot showers, copious wheat products and snow. It is really nice to be back. Though I am missing Sri Lanka already.

I’ve got lots more blog posts to write over the next few weeks. A stack more posts about SL plus a few about being back in the UK.

I have now finished teaching.

I have three weeks left in Sri Lanka and I will spend those doing some more travelling and visiting some students (or rather ex-students since my teaching is now finished).

I am both really sad and really excited. But only three weeks left!!! Wa!!!!!

I’ve posted lots of new things today. Not exactly in any sensible order. But in my opinion the Sigiriya post is the one to read even though I think it has fallen off the bottom of the page. But if you go through the November archive you’ll see all of today’s posts. Plus the October archive gives you the next most recent batch.

It’s been a while since I’ve been told that people who do not have children are selfish and I’ve started thinking about this again recently. I’ve been asked a lot about why I don’t have children. This is a culture where family is so important and where any woman over 25 who is unmarried and doesn’t have children is seen as something unnatural.

So I’ve been thinking about not having children. In particular I’ve been thinking about a conversation I had with some people in Cambridge late last year. Most of the people there were either parents or hopeful parents-to-be. They found it very strange to discover someone (actually there were two of us) who identified as non-procreators.

They seemed horrified by the thought that it was possible for women to choose not to give birth. But you have to give birth if you want a child of your own! I hadn’t realised that a fundamental defining characteristic of all women was that they wanted to have their own children. Another item on the list of reasons why Kath isn’t really a woman.

But they seemed to think that being a parent was the greatest thing ever and that people who weren’t parents were selfish (because they’d prefer to go on lots of skiing holidays than to have children). I was a bit taken aback by the whole conversation and found it difficult to marshal my thoughts appropriately at the time.

I think part of the problem is that they don’t know why I don’t want children. This is because they didn’t ask, they just assumed and is also because I didn’t tell them.

There are a few reasons why I don’t want children. But the first and main one is that I don’t think you should need to have a reason to not want children, I think you should have a reason for wanting them.

And I just don’t want them.

I think they thought that I don’t want children because they are too expensive. This is only partially true. I’m very glad to not have to spend money on children. But if I wanted children then I’d find the money for them. They don’t need a lot of money, but they definitely do need some. And at the moment I’m not prepared to make the sacrifices I’d need to make in order to have enough money for children.

I think they thought I don’t want children because I want to be able to go on holidays whenever I want. Again, this is only partially true. And is the same argument as the money one. I value my freedom and independence (I don’t think there’s anything selfish in that). If I wanted children I would gladly give up my freedom and independence for them.

Perhaps part of the problem is that I am very aware of the fact that children do cost money and take time and emotional energy and take over your life. This is all fine. If that’s what you want. And it isn’t what I want. What scares me is the number of new parents I’ve spoken to who seemed surprised about these things. I didn’t think it was a secret.

I think they thought I don’t want children because I don’t value the role of a parent. And quite the opposite is true. I think that it is the most important thing that anyone in our society can do. And to be perfectly honest I don’t think I’d be good enough at it. It is patently clear that not all people are good parents. Some are excellent, some very good, some good, some are adequate, some are terrible. I think I’d probably be somewhere between adequate and good. And in my opinion that’s not good enough. Being a parent is far too important a job to leave it to just anyone, even if their heart is in the right place. I work as a teacher. I spend a lot of my time ruing the fact that many of my students have parents who are not good enough at being parents. I will not join those ranks purely so I can avoid being ’selfish’.

Then there is the not insignificant issue of not having anyone that I want to have children with who wants to have children with me. And this is a partnership that needs to last for a very long time and needs to be an incredibly positive thing. Any negativity in that relationship will impact upon the children. So if I’m going to have children, I want to have children with the right person.

I’ve had lots of people here in Sri Lanka talk to me about children too. They seem to have two reasons for having children. The first is the continuation of the genes. If I don’t have children I will not leave a legacy for the future. I find this slightly strange when I hear it from Buddhists who believe in reincarnation. Someone asked who will remember me when I’m dead. I said I’d be dead, I wouldn’t care. But that I hope I will make a difference to a lot of people (without having to give birth to any of them) and that they would remember me. But again, I’ll be dead. I won’t care.

The second reason for having children is to have someone to look after me in my old age. I have several responses to this. One is I might die before I get there. The second is that having children just so they will look after me in future doesn’t sound very nice. I wouldn’t want my children to be created for the sole purpose of spending their lives playing nursemaid to me. I would want them to have their own lives. (Call me selfish if you will.) The third is that the amount of money I would have to spend on children (food, clothing, medical, education, etc) could fund a full-time fully qualified nursing staff for several years (if I were to set that money aside and save it for such a purpose).

I also don’t think I’ve mentioned yet the fact that the earth is becoming increasingly overpopulated. Bringing more children into the world is not the most environmentally friendly option. Added to that, there are a lot of children in the world who are unloved and unwanted. If I really wanted children I could adopt some of them rather than having some of my own.

So call me selfish if you will, but I think that not having children of my own at this stage in my life is the right thing for me.

I’ve probably ranted about this before. Or at least mentioned it in passing.

I’m absolutely gasping for a decent cup of tea.

By which I mean strong black tea. With a small amount of fresh (cold) milk.

Now that I have a water heater and plastic jug I can make tea in my room but it does involve powdered milk. Which is a close approximation to real milk but just isn’t the same.

There are some places where you can buy tea and it comes in a teapot with a small jug of milk and a bowl of sugar. This is good. However, the milk is invariably warm since it’s been made from powdered milk (well, I think that’s why it’s warm).

I’ve found that asking for tea with no sugar (when I get a chance to submit a preference) is a very good idea. It might mean I’ll have some teeth left when I get back to the UK. Though I suspect much of the milk powder is sweetened. So plain tea (the one with no milk) without sugar tends to be the best bet. And is especially nice if it has ginger.

Sri Lanka is a culture where respect is very important. When and where you sit, when you stand, who you talk to, how you address them etc.

One area where respect seems not to have caught on is speeches.

I have always been brought up to be quiet when someone is giving a speech (even if it is incredibly boring). One, it means the rest of the audience can hear it and two, it shows the person who is speaking that you respect them enough not to interrupt or distract. And so when I am here and I am listening to speeches I sit quietly. Even if the speech is in a language I don’t understand.

Most Sri Lankans however, don’t. There was one CCPSD Literary Association where I had to say shhhhh 8 times (in 1 hour). I was especially perplexed that I had to do it twice during the speech that one of the Buddhist monks gave on good manners.

There was also a time when students were giving group presentations. These were assessed. Members of the judging panel were talking to other members of staff while the speeches were going on. At one stage two of the three judges had left the room to answer phone calls and the third had her back to the presenter and was talking to her colleagues.

Another interesting aspect of Sri Lankan culture to add to the list.